I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo fans with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in Japanese cuisine, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the LA Lakers, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden.On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless Supreme court judge.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I can throw tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
I never lie.
love, the Author
xoxox
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2 comments:
Of course you never lie. You just exaggerate the truth to a mighty level.
If you really did all this, then I must ask: why would you spend any time on a blog chatting about stuff you've done? Surely if you were so famous, you wouldn't need to tell people about it.
In the words of Connor, "I'd say that something fishy was afoot, but fish don't have feet."
I liked the bit about tennis racquets. I could do that too, if it weren't for the immense price of my racquet. The expensive racquet, that isn't covered by insurance...
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